Of Conflicting Relationships And Relating To Conflicts!

 

I stand at the balcony of my house and see my son running off to school. I see the time and shake my head. It is 8.45 a.m, the time when he has to be inside the school premises to attend the school’s assembly prayer. The school isn’t very far from my home which is both an advantage and a disadvantage. Advantage because the kid takes his own sweet leisurely time to leave for school. Disadvantage, because, since the school is quite nearby, the kid takes his own sweet leisurely time to leave for school.

In the meanwhile, my husband storms off to work.

It has been another morning; the kid is late for school like always, and my husband has given him a piece of his mind but to no avail. Every day explosive sparks fly between father and son but matters do not change.

Does this happen in your house?

I am reading a book titled Effective Life Management by Swami Amartyananda and I came across a paragraph in the same wherein the author has shared some anecdotes. He talks about a psychiatrist who visited a monk and told him, ‘I tend to hundreds of people on a daily basis, people with issues, but I am unable to reach out to people at my own home.’ In another instance, a brigadier laments, ‘I command an entire brigade, yet I do not know how to handle my wife and my child.’

What is it about family that makes it so wonderfully complex? How is it that people in professions that require them to handle teams or patients do so effectively, yet are at a loss as to how to handle their own people?

One of my friends asked me, how do you avoid minor conflicts at your home. I would say, you cannot. They are as much a part of your home as are celebrations, happy moments and festivals. Family comes with the whole package. What we can do is to not let the conflicts take too much space in our mind.

When a group of people live together, there is bound to be difference in personalities, preferences and opinions. And where there is a difference, there will be conflicts.

One of the reasons for conflicts is, one person wants things in his/her own way while the other feels the same. At what point can these two meet? It would not be fair if only one person is always compromising or giving up to ensure peace in the house. That is not peace. That is just the calm before the storm. All the pent-up anger of having been the one to always compromise will one day erupt into a tirade that has the ability to destroy homes.

Conversation is the key here. When you feel strongly about someone or something, express it to that person. If there is anything about a person’s behavior that is troubling you, be frank and discuss it openly. Many are of the opinion that talking about things only escalates matters and it is best to forget and move on. ‘Sweep it under the rug and move on’ – some say. The thing is, you might be able to sweep it under the rug but you would not be able to move on. That incident and its aftermath will stay inside you and keep on festering if you do not let it out.

It has been my experience that open conversation always works. Reach out and speak out. And do it in a way that it stays as a conversation and doesn’t turn into a conflict. It doesn’t have to, right? You are just confiding something to your family member. It is a privilege to have someone who listens, and someone who trusts enough to share their innermost burdens with you. This conversation should be considered sacred!

Honesty, frankness, openness – these, when used tactfully, can never go wrong.

Keep your issues private! Nowadays people would rather share their issues on the social media through memes, posts or taunting notes, than share it with the person with whom they should be having a conversation about their issues. How is posting your issues on the social media helping you to deal with them?? Keep your issues within your home and restrict them to the people who are meant to handle them!

What adds fuel to a conflict is reaction. One person says something and the other immediately reacts, flares up, says something equally vile and before we know it, matters have escalated. What is essential here is response, not reaction. Someone in a fit of anger says something to me. Instead of reacting, I can choose to respond by trying to understand what triggered the fit. I can choose to look beyond the words and the actions and to focus on the reasons for the behavior. A lot of people are only exhibiting their inner turmoil through their outward behavior. There is a lot that has happened in their lives that has led them to this moment to act or think so. Understanding what makes them the people they are today can give us an insight into what goes on in their minds and can help us to deal effectively with them.

We are, after all, what our experiences have shaped us today, and we are also a continuous work-in-progress. Hence there is always scope for improvement. When we feel someone is not being reasonable, we can convey this to them, try to see the reasons for this behavior and offer insights that will change not only the present but also heal any hurts or misgivings that their past might have brought them.

The important thing to remember is that this whole process of responding and understanding is a two-way process. Again I would like to specify that one person alone cannot take the whole load of a relationship. It has to be done by everyone involved in the matter. It takes two to make or break it!

Take turns at being angry! If two people get angry at the same time, it will never soothe the matter. In a conflict, if everyone is talking and shouting, no one will be heard and it may go on for a very long time. It is feasible to temporarily maintain your poise when the other person is on a rant. It is impossible to keep ranting for a very long time. At some point, he/she will have to calm down. And that is when you present your side of the argument – logically and calmly, because your temporary poise has given you clarity, and when a mind is clear, the words that you speak turn into insights and not slights!

It is important to remember to raise your argument and not your voice. It is almost impossible to fight in a low and calm tone! When you keep your notes clear, low and firm, it produces a calming effect on the other person.

Conflicts come with the family package. While we cannot avoid them forever, we can learn to handle them to the best of our capabilities. Understanding each other, lending a helpful ear when the other wants to speak, having frank and honest conversations and maintaining clarity in speech and actions will definitely help to deal with the conflicts. Treat the conflicts as temporary guests who will come and go as per their schedule. What matters is the strength of the relationship and your commitment to stay together, come what may.